Digital Marriage

When the Honeymoon Goes South (Joanne's response)

Yes, Rob is being thick right now -- giving him the benefit of the doubt, perhaps the stresses of the day have dulled his sensitivity about how money talks impact Celia.  If Rob continues to be thick, he will argue with Celia about why she shouldn't be upset about the things he has said, but this is beside the point when the disconnect has already occurred.  The task now is to reconnect, and this requires two steps for Rob (regardless of whether he figures out for himself what is going on or Celia has to tell him):  a) acknowledge the cause of the disconnect ("It upset you when I talked about money") and b) attempt to repair ("I'm sorry I did that during our honeymoon dinner.  I know we need to plan ahead on money talks").  Then, it takes patience for the reconnect -- it won't necessarily happen immediately.  

As I have written here many times, relationships go through a constant cycle of connect-disconnect-reconnect to greater or lesser degrees.  Often the feeling of disconnect occurs because one partner misses the other and says or does something that inadvertently hurts them, as Rob in his own post-coital haze has done.  All couples disconnect at times.  Struggling couples do not know how to reconnect.  Healthy, resilient couples understand what reconnection requires, and they do it willingly.

When the honeymoon goes south...

Previous episode

Rob and Celia, beginning their honeymoon at a bed & breakfast, are ordering dinner at the inn’s restaurant when Rob begins to talk about money again, causing Celia to panic. 

Current episode

Rob smiled and looked at Celia, having just told her he what he was going to order and waiting to hear what she wanted.  But his bride, who had not been at all blushing an hour ago in the room, was sitting perfectly still with her wine glass set down before her and her hands at her side.  Her face was bright red as she looked at him, but as Rob watched that color drained to something ashen and notably un-sensual. 

“I am going to get some air for a moment,” Celia said.  “I’ll be right back.”  She set her napkin down with her wine glass, pushed her chair back and stood up.  In honor of this being an expensive restaurant, Rob semi-stood briefly as his wife left the table. 

Rob watched Celia’s back as she walked away.  Maybe the wine wasn’t agreeing with her, especially if she was already light-headed from her first orgasm.  All the sex books said that you were creating too-high expectations if you tried for an orgasm the first time, and that they should be patient on that front to avoid sex becoming rote and disappointing.   But Rob was proud of what he – what they – had accomplished this first time.  Maybe waiting until they were married was part of it, he thought.  Maybe being as horny as we both were is exactly what we needed. 

Rob exhaled, secure in the knowledge that he would never have to wait for sex again for the rest of his life. 

He glanced toward the inn’s lobby.  There was no sign of Celia.  When the waiter came by to take their orders, Rob asked him if he had seen “my wife.” 

“She just stepped onto the front porch, sir.” 

So Celia really did need air, but then it had been a stressful day for her; with her selfish father bringing his family along despite having been asked not to, then her father’s attention-grabbing during the ceremony, then of course the reception and having sex for the first time.  Rob swelled again with pride at all the ways he had served Celia today, helping to make her wedding day perfect despite its ups and downs.  He would strive to be the opposite of her self-absorbed father.   

He leaned forward again to check on the inn’s front door, but he did not see Celia.  She had been gone several minutes now.  Rob opened the menu again, to kill time.  Celia liked salads and things like that.   Maybe she’ll just have something light.  Between the wine, the meal he planned to order, and Celia ordering a salad, they might get by under $70.  Maybe he would just order something like that for her.  He had budgeted $90 for tonight, so they would already be ahead of the game on this honeymoon money-wise—

Suddenly, a light bulb went off for Rob.  He closed the menu, stood up and went to find Celia.

What does Rob say to her when he finds her?

Honeymoon Blues (Joanne's response)

I listened to someone once tell me the story of her own honeymoon.  While driving to their destination, she had to go to the bathroom and asked her new husband (who was at the wheel) to find a place to stop.  Her husband hemmed and hawed about interrupting their travel progress, and then when they did finally pull into a rest stop he pulled back out because it was crowded and there were no parking spaces.  My client, who did not advocate for herself and her needs in order to keep the peace on this "happy day," was hurt and angry that he could not step outside his narcissism long enough to understand that her needs had to matter too.  It was a rocky beginning for a marriage that has never really found its groove because of the limitations of both partners.

I have higher hopes for Rob and Celia, but they remind me of this couple at this moment.   The person in the above story had some idea that she was marrying a self-absorbed man, but to have it underscored on her honeymoon over such a radically basic issue hit home in a way it never had before.  Similarly, Celia knew this was an issue of Rob's, but facing it married takes it to a whole new level, especially since Celia thought there had been some resolution to the issue and that she had been heard in her concerns.  There is no walking away from it now.  

  

Yes, Rob is a tightwad, and as the keeper of a Pennsylvania Dutch heritage, I can appreciate that.  I agree with Harold's summary of what this couple needs -- to be curious about one another at these times and to voice concerns regardless of the outcome.  This is where the permanence of marriage comes into play.  Will its permanence cause a couple to sweep things under the rug to keep the peace for the coming decades, since there is no way out, or will that permanence allow genuine struggle since the marriage will stand regardless of the turmoil within?

Honeymoon Blues (Harold's response)

What makes you you? I often talk with couples in which one or both parties feel like they just can't change. They expect the spouse or partner to just come to accept them as they are. I mean after all "maybe God just made me this way", they might say. 

This is what comes to my mind as I watch Rob this week drowning and not even knowing it. Rob is wired for frugality. We've seen this manifest in a number of ways. There are multiple ways that we can look at this situation. 

Option 1: Rob needs to realize that it isn't just about him. Frugality might be his modus operandi. But, now he has to consider how Celia wants THEIR money spent.

Option 2: Celia needs to understand that Rob is just being true to himself. She needs not to take his honeymoon thriftiness personally. Rather, it is just a reflection of what makes Rob, Rob.

Option 3: Rob needs to improve his ability to sense his new wife. He should be sniffing danger right now. And, he isn't. That's a problem. Celia, on the other hand, needs to share how she is feeling without losing it and putting their honeymoon in a hole.

Needless to say, I think Option 3 is the way to go. Two key relationship skills are at play that benefit all intimate relationships--the learned ability to sense your spouse's feelings/sentiments and the ability to share honestly yet being non-threatening.

I honestly believe that if these two relationship skills are consistently maintained then marriage would almost be a cinch.

If it isn't figured out the honeymoon won't be the only thing with the blues.

Honeymoon Blues

Previous episode

Rob and Celia are finally beginning their honeymoon, having survived their wedding.  When Celia’s father interrupted the ceremony, and later when both of their fathers were drunkenly singing pub songs during the toasts, Rob had stepped in.  First, he contained Celia’s father by introducing himself to him, and later he interrupted the singing dads to make a toast of his own, to Celia. 

Current episode

Rob and Celia had left their wedding almost four hours prior.  In fact Rob’s toast to Celia had been a shade on the risqué side, suggesting his strong desire to begin the honeymoon and why.  Everyone had laughed appropriately and only his grandmother seemed to mind the implication. 

Rob’s parents had bought them a night in a local bed & breakfast to start their honeymoon.  Tomorrow they would leave for the rest of the trip, which Rob had planned but which was still a secret to Celia. 

They were having dinner in the inn’s small dining room.  The waiter had just poured their red wine, but Celia felt like she had already put away half the bottle.  Her body was still warm and the memories of Rob unzipping her dress, then laying her on her back, then—

“I hope our dinner is short,” Celia said, smiling over her wine glass at Rob.  The memories were fresh, and they were good. 

“I hope our dinner is worth what we are about to pay for it,” Rob said. 

This stopped Celia short.  She was ready to flirt and talk about what they had just done and about what they were going to do when they got back to the room.  She wanted to tell Rob about the black negligee Catherine had given her.  She watched his face closely as he perused the menu in the hope that he might be joking.  Rob’s fears about money were still a sore spot for Celia after their arguments over the summer.   She could feel her body cooling off as her heart began to sink. 

I need to tell Rob that what he just said is frightening me, she thought. 

“I don’t think I even want to know what the market rate for the Great Lakes bass is,” he continued.   “Maybe I’ll stick with pasta tonight.”  Celia knew that was because the pasta was the cheapest section of the menu. 

Celia set her wine glass down as her stomach began to turn.  I can’t spend the rest of my life with this, she thought.  I have to say something now.

How, within a few short hours, could Rob switch from being a knight on a white horse to being such a jackass?  

“OK, I’ll settle on something in between.  The coq-au-vin is dark enough to go with the wine, but it won’t break my wallet, either.”  He set the menu aside and looked at Celia.  “What are you going to have?” 

How does Celia respond?

Celebrating True Love (Harold's response)

You ever have one of those days that at its conclusion you said to yourself "This was a good day"? As I think about Rob and Celia's progress over the past year, I celebrate the year that they have had. They have matured in their respective sense of self. They have matured in their couple identity. And, to some extent they have matured in their spiritual identity. It has been a great year. And, it has culminated this week in their marriage celebration of true love.

Celia feel comforted that she has found her knight and Rob his princess. This is the stuff that fairy tales are made of. What I like most, however, is that they have gone through enough challenges over the past year that they can genuinely celebrate what they have become-rather than trapped in the rose-colored idealism that often trips many newlyweds.

Though not in the drunken stupor of their respective dads, I too salute the happy couple. It is a great lesson to all of us of what marriage offers when it is experienced in true love.

Celebrating True Love (Joanne's response)

Rob and Celia are highly bonded at this moment, so much so that the family crazy barely registers.  Yes, in the greater scheme of things, the incidents at their wedding are silly.  But there is a model here for marital relationships to draw on.  I once had a client say to me, regarding her husband, "I don't think he can be married to me and be her son at the same time."  She meant that the man was so reactive to anything his mother said or did that he was unable to be present to his wife, my client, to the point that he was not present in the delivery room when their child was born because his mother wanted to go get something to eat.  The Bible speaks to leaving and cleaving.  In choosing to marry, Rob and Celia have left (their families of origin).  Cleaving does not happen automatically but must be nurtured, in part by creating healthy boundaries around the marriage such that it is primary.  Rob and Celia's ability to laugh at their families, as well as their anticipation of sex, speak to how well they are cleaving.  

Celebrating True Love

Previous episode

After Rob stepped in, protecting Celia after her father embarrassed them at their wedding ceremony, their vows proceeded without incident. 

Current episode

Rob’s father was toasting the new couple at the reception, which was being held on the other side of the outdoor church courtyard where the ceremony had just been celebrated.  Certainly, one advantage of their small guest list was that everyone could stand up and talk as long as they wanted, fueled by plenty of cheap champagne and white wine.   After all, this was the substance of their reception.  Their violinist would play a few more classical numbers after the toasts wound down and the guests moved on to hors d’oeuvres and finger sandwiches.  Then they would cut the cake, Celia would toss her bouquet, and they would take their leave. 

“Back when Robby was still in diapers--” Mr. Benton was intoning, waving his champagne glass.

Celia was not hearing much of what was being said.  She was warm and happy leaning against Rob and did not want to leave his side.   Ever.   From this vantage point she felt like she could handle anything, even watching her father, the idiot, drinking champagne with his new family while sitting next to her mother and Catherine. 

Rob tightened his arm around Celia’s waist, embracing her from behind.  She leaned her head back against his chest.

“So,” Rob whispered into her ear, in a way that made sure no one else could hear, “what’s underneath this virginal white dress of yours?”  Celia smiled.

“Then, when he got his first bike for Christmas when he was six”—Rob’s dad continued.  Celia watched Rob’s mother stand up next to his father, as if preparing to hurry things up.

“What do you think is under it?” Celia whispered back to Rob.  “Besides a garter.  And a couple other flimsy white lace things, but really, they don’t amount to more than a square foot of fabric altogether”-- now that they were married, they could talk like this to each other all the time and damn the torpedoes.   They could do anything they wanted. 

Rob exhaled heavily, held her more tightly, and kissed the side of her face before backing off a bit, ostensibly to listen to the toasts and make it through the reception despite the images now dancing in his mind.

Celia’s father was standing up now, and he and Rob’s father put arms around each other’s shoulders and posed a slurred toast together.  “To the happy couple,” they said.

“To the happy couple,” the crowd echoed, raising glasses to Rob and Celia.  They toasted back.  The violinist began to play an Irish jig that Celia recognized but she was surprised to see that both fathers knew words.  Which they began to sing.  Loudly. 

Celia and Rob looked at each other and shook their collective, married head. 

What happens next?

A Knight in Shining Armor (Joanne's response)

Those who produce their wedding day as a Tony-worthy theatrical production leave little room for the sheer humanity of brides, grooms, their families and those who officiate at weddings.  Weddings are better understood as improvisational theater akin to ComedySportz in which whatever happens has to be integrated in the forward flow of the day.  For Celia, the decision to get married at all has been an exercise in dealing with the human limitations of her parents, herself, and Rob, and she has feared that those limitations will prevent the marriage from being successful.  However, successful weddings and successful marriages are not those in which everything goes according to plan.  They are the ones for which a loose blueprint of dreams and goals can flex to accommodate the unexpected and return to healthy equilibrium afterward.  Rob, bless him, rose to this challenge when Celia had her feet swept out from underneath her.  At some point in the future, Rob can say to Celia, "What do you need from me?" and Celia can say, "I need you to handle this for me like you did at our wedding."   Like unity candles and the exchange of rings, they incorporated another symbolic representation, this time of redemption, into their ceremony when Rob acted outside of the script, and Celia received his action.  

A Knight in Shining Armor (Harold's Response)

In my upcoming book, Marriage ROCKS for Christian Couples, I make a point that a key ingredient to authentic marriage is spouse's ability to redeem one another. Part of being a redemptive spouse is covering each other in difficult situations.

Rob gives a fabulous demonstration of what it means to be redemptive in the current episode. When sensing Celia's hurt, he immediately intervenes to cover her. He confronts the situation aggressively while maintaining sensitivity to the situation.

Celia's response says it all. Rob is her hero. 

In my own marriage, there are few better feelings that knowing that my wife has my back. When I'm struggling, she is praying for me. When I'm overwhelmed, she picks up my slack. When I'm tired she serves me. For me, she is a portrait of human redemption--much like Christ does for us in a spiritual sense.

What are you doing to redeem your spouse? This is your call to be a hero in your home.