Digital Marriage

Bare ass-umptions (Joanne's response)

Celia has blown it and she seems to know it.  Of the three choices made available to Rob via the omniscient creators of this blog, will any of them de-esccalate the situation?  One choice, in which Rob swears back at Celia, probably won't help, because he suspects she is angry at herself.  Celia doesn't need Rob coming down hard on her when she is already being hard on herself.  Another choice, to get back in bed with Celia, may help as it makes it clear that Celia is more important than the disagreement, but only if Celia is willing.  If she is feeling defensive, this move may cause her to react or overreact. The remaining choice, in which Rob rolls his eyes and goes to the kitchen, has its merits within the relationship potentially, if Celia needs a few minutes to herself.  But the eye-rolling?  Depends on what it means.  Is Rob feeling contempt for Celia right now?  If this is the case, he needs to talk it out now, because contempt is toxic to marriages.  But I am a believer in couples occasionally taking a time out -- as long as they reconnect shortly thereafter.  It would be preferable if Rob were to say to Celia, "I'm going to get breakfast.  We can talk when you come out."  But even Rob and Celia make the occasional misstep, so there isn't a best choice here.  I am curious to see what our voters decide this week! 

Bare ass-umptions

Previous episode

Home from their honeymoon, Christmas looms large and with it come Rob and Celia’s first efforts at integrating old traditions with their new marriage.  Each one has made the assumption that Christmas will be spent at the home of one’s own parents.  Rob just told Celia about his assumption. 

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“We haven’t yet discussed our Christmas plans, Rob,” Celia said, from the bed, as she lay naked under the covers following their pre-dawn romp. 

Rob was startled.  Sexed and showered, he was enjoying nothing so much as anticipating Christmas with his parents and sisters and new wife.  He wanted Celia to hop on his conversation, and he was not in the mood for another issue about which to communicate.  This was not a great way to start back to work, either.  He had been looking forward to gliding into the office, married and satisfied, and gloating a little for some of his oversexed and undercommitted coworkers. 

Rob felt his defenses, which had been clearly identified in couples’ therapy, rising.   He knew that Celia had a point – they had not yet discussed this – but he was mad anyway.  He wanted to have it his way. 

“But we spent Christmas with your Mom last year, and we weren’t even engaged yet,” Rob said, feeling reasonable as he spoke.  “I thought we might do an alternating thing, going to a different family each year.”  Rob had not really thought of this before now, but the point served his position.  He threw the towel over the back of the chair and opened the closet.  He liked being naked around Celia even if they were having an argument. 

Celia was quiet for a moment, which he thought was good.  She was getting his point.  Then Celia swore, which she did not do often.  Rob, surprised, turned around to look at her as he pulled on his underwear. 

“Mom’s expecting us,” Celia said.  “Catherine said she’s getting depressed again now that the wedding’s over.  I thought it would be good for her if we came home, so I told her we would.”  Rob realized that Celia did get his point – she was mad, perhaps, at herself for making promises without consulting Rob. 

Celia rolled over onto her stomach and put the pillow over her head.   He heard the same swear word, muffled, again.  Rob wanted to roll his eyes – over the swearing, the perpetual drama of Mom’s depression, the realization that since they were married they just might be making wrong assumptions about each other for decades to come.   This made him tired. 

What does Rob do next?

Making marriage work for the holidays (Joanne's response)

Harold offers excellent general guidelines for negotiating family holidays.  In short, don't assume anything, because as my father would always remind me, ASSUME makes an ASS out of U and ME.  Sorry, had to say it.  

I'm curious what will become of Celia's very thoughtful idea to handle the gifts for them both, if suddenly the more basic elements of Christmas become a source of contention.  Too many partners would throw out that excellent way to build up the good will reservoir in the marriage if they don't get their way otherwise.  I hope Celia can separate out the value of her gesture for the relationship's long term from any glitches that might come up now, and make the offer anyway.  

Making marriage work for the holidays (Harold's response)

Holiday traditions are an important part of married life. Most spouses seek to replicate the traditions they enjoyed in their family of origin. However, difficulties tend to arise when unspoken expectations result in conflicting objectives. This is particularly the case among newlyweds who are still trying to negotiate mutual arrangements and at the point after the first child is born. Do we visit parents for Christmas or stay home? Will there be a traditional dinner served? Should we get gifts for everyone? These are just a few of the questions that couples must discuss intentionally rather than making assumptions.

In my own family, my wife and I alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays that we spend with our respective families. We have been doing this for twenty-one years. And, since we are both the eldest siblings and first to marry our younger siblings have mostly adopted this pattern as they have gotten married. That way everyone is together for the holidays.

The bottom line is that making marriage work for the holidays is just like everything else in marriage. It takes time to think about and often takes sacrifice to execute. It is a negotiation. Ultimately, these traditions will be what lives on in the minds of generations to come. And, that makes it all worth it.

Making marriage work for the holidays

Previous episode

Rob planned an economical yet otherwise romantic honeymoon at a pair of Great Lakes bed & breakfasts – not the Presidential Suites but not the share-the-bathroom ground floor rooms either.  He and Celia have had good sex from the start, but their communication hit a low point that first night.  They recovered, and agreed that when Rob starts to babble about money, which he does automatically, Celia will say, “You’re doing that money thing again” to alert him both to his behavior and to its impact on Celia.

Current episode

Celia loved waking up next to Rob.  They had been home, in what had been Rob’s bachelor apartment, for three nights now following their honeymoon, having returned the Friday after the wedding.  This gave them the weekend to begin adjust to living together, put away their few wedding gifts, and have sex several times a day before returning to real life this morning, Monday.  But there had been time for more sex before Rob had to get up, and he was now in the shower.  Really, if this was adjusting to married life, Celia was glad she had signed on. 

Celia heard the plumbing squeak as Rob turned off the shower.  The whirlwind of the wedding and its planning had occupied most of the autumn, and Celia was shocked to wake up in its aftermath to realize the holidays were here.  Fortunately, her choir had been working on Christmas music since summer, so that was not an issue.  But she and Rob had not discussed the holidays at all. 

She had one idea she hoped would please Rob.  She wanted to be in charge of buying and wrapping gifts for their families, because she enjoyed that anyway.  But the part she hoped would please Rob is that they would sit down and discuss the gift budget, what to spend on each person.  Then, they would have a conversation like Rob’s parents used to have, about why she bought what she did, what was on sale where, and all those little details his parents had discussed that Rob remembered with fondness. 

Mom and Catherine were excited about having Rob and Celia, married, for Christmas.  Mom was going to let them sleep in her room, since she had a bigger bed.  Celia wasn’t sure how comfortable she felt at the idea of having sex in her mother’s bed, but she supposed they would adapt.  

The bathroom door opened and Rob emerged from the steam, wrapped from the waist down in a towel.  This was a view Celia liked though it made her want to pull off the towel and haul him back into bed, but she thought that might not be a great idea on a work day. 

“I had an email from my Mom this weekend,” Rob said.  A shower always woke Rob up and made him efficient and businesslike. “They’re having a 90^th birthday party for my grandmother the day after Christmas.  They figured it’s easier than waiting until her actual birthday, in January, since you and I and the cousins will already be home.” 

How does Celia respond?

How to make healthy marriage decisions (Harold's response)

In this episode I was particularly struck by Celia's question to Rob when again he instantly went in "pennypincher" mode, “Why can’t you just stop doing it?” Seems like a reasonable question to Celia. The behavior is annoying to her, so stop. How many of you have had your spouse ask you a similar question.  They ask it so cavalier, so nonchalantly. 

I get a number of these questions from my wife, usually about some facet of my communication style--either verbal or non-verbal. For example, I often get a furrowed brow when listening or responding to my wife. I've had this furrowed brow look since I was a kid. In fact, my mother gave me much grief because of it. But, my wife Dalia is often put-off by it. Like Celia, she just wants me to stop doing it. 

As you might expect, my response is similar to Rob's. "It's automatic." This is true. But, it doesn't make my wife feel any better. I have to figure out how to understand its impact on my wife. I have to keep trying to improve it. And, I have to ask for grace in the process. 

What are the situations in your marital relationship where you or your spouse just ask "why can't you just stop doing it?" This is an excellent opportunity to dialogue in a way that deepens your relationship. And, it will help you to make healthier marriage decisions for years to come.

How to make healthy marriage decisions (Joanne's response)

Rob and Celia are in a groove, because they are meta-communicating.  Meaning:  they are talking about talking.  What does a healthy conversation look like?  Given who you are and who I am, what should our healthy conversations look like?  Rob took the initiative to reconnect after his blunder, and Celia responded.  Now that they have reconnected, they are taking it one step further:  they are understanding what they did poorly -- how they got caught in a negative cycle -- and are figuring out how to avoid it by talking about it.  The key to meta-communication is understanding yourselves and how your individual issues impact your shared cycle.  No one "procedure" as they are calling it will work for all couples.  Further, their ability to discuss their family issues here is a big part of it.  The next time Rob begins to read his internal balance sheet out loud, Celia will have more empathy -- and less anxiety -- because she understands why he does this.  It will be much easier to point it out to him when she is empathic and not defensive.  

How to make healthy marriage decisions

Previous episode

Rob has found Celia standing on the porch of the inn where they are sharing their first dinner as man and wife.  He apologized for some comments he made, about money, which he realized were thoughtless because Celia was sensitive about it.  She had excused herself from the meal momentarily. 

Current episode

Then he took her hand.  Celia sighed. 

“I understand that you pennypinch, Rob,” Celia answered.  “I just need for you not to talk about it all the time.” 

“So let’s decide what to do when I do talk about it,” Rob said.  “So you don’t need to panic.”

“I didn’t panic.”

Rob raised his eyebrow, because he was learning what panic looked like for Celia.  “OK.  You didn’t panic,” he said, leading her back inside.

When they had settled back at their table and were sipping their wine again, Rob said, “OK.  We need some sort of procedure for when I start reading my internal balance sheet out loud,” Rob said. 

“Why can’t you just stop doing it?” Celia asked, reasonably.  

“Because it’s automatic.  It’s like breathing to me.”  Rob took a sip of wine.  “It’s what growing up Benton meant,” he added.  “My mother would come home from the grocery store and provide a running account of the bill; what was on sale, what she had coupons for, which coupons were doubled, and which item she returned to the shelf when she realized it had been priced wrong – all the time.”

“Didn’t that drive your dad crazy?” Celia asked.

“No.  He seemed to enjoy it!”  Rob laughed as he remembered the kitchen-counter discussions.  “They seemed to bond over it.  She would explain her reasoning about buying a cut of meat that wasn’t on sale – how many meals she would get out of it, what she would serve with it – and my dad would agree and they would talk some more.  They could go on indefinitely.” 

“I can’t imagine any couple having productive discussions about money,” Celia said.  “We didn’t exactly have those in my house.” 

“So let’s figure out how to have them in ours,” Rob said.  “When I start – to so that thing that I do – I need you to let me know about it.  What do you want to do?”

“Anything so that I don’t have to leave the room.”

“And so that you don’t have to feel bad, either, and so that it doesn’t have to be all your problem.  You were feeling really alone on the porch for a few minutes, weren’t you?”

Celia nodded. 

What do Rob and Celia agree their procedure will be? 

The cost of humility in marriage...priceless (Joanne's response)

I like Harold's phrases "unskilled and unaware" and "skilled and aware" to describe the communication style many relationships possess in contrast to that which many aspire to.  The ability to self-reflect -- to be "aware" -- is a necessary component to the transition between the first, which is general cluelessness, to the second, which is unconscious care.  Skilled and unaware reminds me too of healthy self-care in many situations -- the folks who eat wholesome diets without counting calories, or those who get plenty of exercise without gym memberships, and those who have active social lives without spending hundreds of dollars a week eating out.  What may have at one time required discipline and intentionality becomes second nature.  Rob and Celia are still in the transition phase -- and all couples will revert back to this under stress.  I sat with a couple this week, who are working on issues like this, complain, "But if we love each other it shouldn't be so hard to talk! You won't be here forever to help us!"  This is common -- the belief that communication in marriage shouldn't take work and that they won't be able to do it without a therapist.  But it's just another form of discipline which, if practiced, can eventually be as second nature as breathing on any given, average-stress day.  

The cost of humility in marriage....priceless (Harold's response)

Rob and Celia are what I called "skilled" communicators. Anyone following their journey over the last year knows that they haven't always been such. But, today they are. In my marriage workshops I talk about how couples have to progress from being unskilled and unaware (meaning that they are bludgeoning one another and don't even realize it) to being skilled and unaware (meaning that they are nurturing each other without even thinking about it). 

Rob and Celia aren't quite at the skilled and unaware stage. Rather, they are what is called skilled and aware. They are thinking consciously about the process going on between them when they are in and out of conflict. In this skilled and aware stage, they are able to examine their own dynamics from the perspective of an interested observer. From this more objective vantage point, they each have learned to consider the needs of the other. This is awesome for a newlywed couple. Most young couples lack such skills which lead to marital dissatisfaction.

The message for all of us is to become more conscious of how skilled our communication is with our spouses. Once you're aware, you may need to humble yourself in the sight of God and your spouse. The results will be priceless.